Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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