I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
