you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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