Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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