Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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