Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Mel Gibson is dating a 24 year old
You're not Mel Gibson and I'm not 24.
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
