i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
