Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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