Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Randomize
