i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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