i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
Randomize
