My first STD was from a foam party
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Randomize