Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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