Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
where are you?
Hypothermia
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
