I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Randomize
