I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
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