just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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