Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
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I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
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Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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