Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
