I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
