I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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