the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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