I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
