I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
3 2 1 whiskey
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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