I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
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I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
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Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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