I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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