i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
