You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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