a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
