I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Randomize
