Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
