I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
