i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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