The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
