if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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