Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
He felt like a one man threesome
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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