so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
