Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
