new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
