she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Who wears a wallet chain?!
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
