My sheets look like a crime scene.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
