someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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