so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
