My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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