He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
