Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
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