Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
