The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
