You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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