god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
