If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Randomize
