the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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