shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
