My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
